Royal Baby Crustacean Conspiracy Shocker!

As an Extreme Housewife, I like to make sure that I keep you, the reader, up to date with all the important news. I’ve barely paid attention to the recent Royal birth, frankly, while I’m pleased that a baby has been safely born I haven’t got time to take an interest every time someone I don’t know gives birth.

However, I have been aware of an undercurrent of David Icke style concern about the possible reptilian bloodline that has pervaded the British Royal line and other key institutions. However, paying closer attention to the ‘finger on the pulse’ media outlet that is Cosmo has revealed that the real frightening truth is that the Duchess of Cambridge may actually have more in common with bivalve molluscs that with any common or garden iguana. Behold:

It transpires that the Moche people of Peru actually worshipped the sea and its animals and often depicted clams in their art. So it’s not a great stretch of the imagination to see how these Mollusc-Folk have made their way into our Royal family. And there you have it, thanks to Cosmopolitan we know that the third in line to the throne is at least half littleneck. No wonder he is expected to be a ‘calm and quiet’ baby.


Bestselling author and freelance drinks writer. Champion of pubs and breweries. Occasional printmaker.

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